#38: Little Girls Can Be Mean

Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps To Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades, by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert (New York: St. Martin's Griffin, 2010).

Summary:
"In today's world, girls are facing myriad friendship issues, including bullying and cliques. As a parent, you are likely wondering how to guide your daughter through these situations effectively. Little Girls Can Be Mean is the first book to tackle the unique social struggles of elementary-aged girls, giving you the tools to help your child become stronger, happier, and better able to enjoy friendships and handle social cruelty.

"Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert's simple, four-step plan will help you become a problem-solving partner with your daughter. They also offer tips for educators and insights that girls can use to confront social difficulties in an empowered way. Whether your daughter is just starting kindergarten or is on her way to middle school, you'll learn how to:

• observe the social situation with new eyes
• connect with your child in a new way
• guide your child with simple, compassionate strategies
• support your daughter to act more independently to face the social issue.

"By focusing squarely on the issues and needs of girls in the years before adolescence, Little Girls Can Be Mean is the essential go-to guide for any parent, counselor, or educator of girls in grades K-6."

Table of Contents:

I. Laying the Foundation: The Four-Step Approach

1. The Rise of Social Cruelty

2. How Can I Help My Daughter or Student?

• What Is Bullying?
• Building the Foundation
• Facing Tough Situations
• Following the Four-Step Plan
• Step 1: Observe
• Step 2: Connect
• Step 3: Guide
• Step 4: Support to Act
• Integrating the Four Steps
• How Long Will This All Take?

3. Think, Share, Do ... Activity Bank for Part I

II. The Heart of the Matter: Applying the Four Steps to Real Situations Faced by Real Girls

4. Side by Side: Best Friends, Worst Enemies

• Dealing with a Turf War
• When Best Friends Pull Away
• Yo-Yo Friendships

5. Going Along with the Gang

• When Girls Struggle to Fit In
• When Girls Struggle with Feeling "Different"
• When Girls Struggle with Going Along with the Group
• When the Group Turns Against Your Child

6. All Girls Can Be Mean: When Your Daughter Is Acting Like a Mean Girl

• There Are Two Sides to Every Story
• The Power Rush of Popularity
• When Girls Struggle with Following the Group

7. Think, Share, Do ... Activity Bank for Part II

III. Wrapping Up: Using the Four Steps in Your Home, School, or Office

• The Difference Between "Younger" and "Older" Girls
• Facing All Kinds of Issues, Together
• She Is Not Alone

My Take:
Meh. Is my guilty love of self-help manuals finally drawing to a close? I guess this one's a useful reminder, or introduction to the principles involved if you're not familiar with the subject, but there didn't seem to be a lot of meat (or non-animal protein, for my vegetarian friends) here. In brief, pay attention to what's going on with your kid even before she explicitly tells you about it; use active listening to draw out both the facts and her feelings; and help her brainstorm about what to do without going all Mama Bear and taking over. Next.

#83 - My Little Red Book

Also read My Little Red Book (Twelve, 2009) Monday, just before it was due back. Felt like I was a bit behind the curve on this one; a dear friend gave it as a gift to her daughter on the occasion of the daughter's first period, and heck, even Littlehazel devoured it before I'd even cracked the cover open.

The book, edited by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff, is an anthology of stories about girls'/ women's first periods. It's both a quick read and a fascinating one. The settings range from 1919 to WWII Europe to a contemporary text message, and the contributors include such well-known authors as Meg Cabot, Megan McCafferty, Tamora Pierce, and Gloria Steinem (who revised her famous "If Men Could Menstruate" essay for the occasion). Simply put, a must read for anyone with strong feelings about this occasion in their own lives (whether it's decades past or still somewhere ahead of you) or strong feelings for a young woman they're close to.

#78 - The Lolita Effect

Just took a foray into non-fiction again with The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It, by M. Gigi Durham (Overlook Press, 2008). Having read more than a few hysterical and/or oversimplified books on this topic, I was a bit skeptical at first, but ended up being pleasantly surprised. Not only is The Lolita Effect far more balanced and nuanced than So Sexy So Soon, but it also scores high on readability.

The nuance begins with the title. Durham argues that while we (popular culture) have come to use "Lolita" to describe a young girl who deliberately behaves in a seductive manner, Dolores Haze, the original Lolita in that book by Nabokov, is not an intentional nymphet, but an innocent victim of her predatory, pedophile stepfather, Humbert Humbert. (True confessions time: shamefully, I haven't actually read Lolita, so I'm taking Durham's word for this.) She is also emphatic about not being anti-sex or advocating censorship. On the contrary, she suggests that previous works and authors on this topic (hel-LO, Mary Pipher!) have often tended toward an overly dualistic, "moral panic" approach that makes for some strange bedfellows (i.e., traditional, mostly Christian conservatives and progressive, usually sex-positive parents and teachers). Explains Durham,

"[I]t is not girls' sexuality in and of itself that is a problem; the problem is that the expression of girls' sexuality seems to be possible only within an extremely restrictive framework. Girls' sexuality, it seems, has to comply with the markers of sexuality that we recognize, and it cannot be manifested, recognized, or mobilized in other, potentially more empowering and supportive, ways."

Most of the book is devoted to defining the five myths that constitute the Lolita effect. These are as follows:

1. Sexuality equals looking sexy, or, in Durham's words, "if you've got it, flaunt it."
   
2. Exactly what looks (and therefore, is) sexy ("hot," in common parlance) is very narrowly defined. In short, the perfect girl/ woman looks like Barbie. Not only is this an unrealistic, unhealthy ideal for girls to aspire to, but it's racist and classist (after all, who has the money to buy The Look?) to boot.
3. Younger is better -- not just as in, society thinks women in their 20s are more attractive than those in their mothers' generation, but as in, very young, still a girl. Hearken back to the days of Britney Spears' Catholic school miniskirt-wearing, pigtail-sporting, lollipop-sucking debut, among other examples.
4. Violence is sexy. Here, Durham cites slasher films, music videos and lyrics, and violent video games a la Grand Theft Auto as examples.
   
5. Sexy is defined for and by the male gaze. Boys choose girls, girls are sex objects, and alternate pairings -- male-male, female-female, or even non-traditional male-female -- Just Don't Exist.
   

Durham is a professor of journalism and communication, so it's not surprising that the remedies she proposes tend heavily toward increased media literacy and consumer education. Again, she's very clear about not advocating censorship, partly because that's a slippery slope that might lead us to censor Lolita and Romeo and Juliet, and partly because she takes the matter-of-fact position that yes, children and adolescents are sexual, and we need to respect and acknowledge that ... it's just that we should be doing so in "more empowering and supportive ways" than we've tended to see of late. Her list of internet and print resources is impressive and useful, as well. It's been a while since I've said this of a book on parenting and/or sexuality, but I recommend this one highly.